There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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