Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
