just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
