it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
He passed out mid-signature
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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