Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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