Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
