saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
