Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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