Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
