my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
