I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
