End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Randomize
