you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
