i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
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