Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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