I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
