you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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