remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Randomize
