Pappa wants mamma naked
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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