mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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