he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Randomize
