respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
