I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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