One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Boobs speak an international language.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
