beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
