I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
