youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
