i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
