The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Come see our sink grown plant.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Randomize
