I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
