dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize
