i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
