I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
