got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
