before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
