I want to walk on stilts...naked
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
