birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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