i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
