I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
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