tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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