I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
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