it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
