I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
i need some magic done to my vagina
I'm experimenting with sincerity
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
