I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
