I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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