So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
