you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
We talked him into tasing himself.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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