I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
