Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
