I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
