This is not my ceiling
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
