my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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